NFL Handicapper Week 12

 

Vikings at Falcons (-9.5)

This game brings up memories of the 1998 NFC Championship Game when Gary Anderson missed a field goal and Chris Chandler led a game-tying drive for the Falcons, who went on to win in overtime 30-27.  The Vikings had gone 15-1 that season and had not lost at home all season, and scored 556 points in the regular season.  Vikings then-coach Dennis Green later admitted that the Vikings were who he thought they were: playoff chokers.

Pick: Falcons

Bills at Jets (-8.5)

These teams combined last week to lose games to teams quarterbacked by Matt Moore and Tim Tebow.

Pick: Jets

Browns at Bengals (-7.5)

Remember that game 4 years ago when the Browns and Bengals exploded for a 51-45 game, where Derek Anderson and Carson Palmer combined for 11 touchdown passes?  This game won’t be nearly as exciting.

Pick: Bengals

Bucs at Titans (-3.5)

Tampa has been a pretty big disappointment thus far, but you know what would be a bigger disappointment? If the Titans allow a Matt Leinart-led team to win the AFC South.

Pick: Titans

Panthers at Colts (+3.5)

If not now, Indy, when?

Pick: Panthers

Cardinals at Rams (-3.5)

I don’t care who starts for Arizona, the St. Louis Rams are not good enough to be 3.5 point favorites, ever.

Pick: Cardinals (and to win)

Texans at Jaguars (+3.5)

Oh man, how much does the Matt Schaub injury suck for the AFC?  (Well I mean, for neutral AFC fans.  Obviously it’s pretty good for the other 5 playoff teams…)  Now that the Texans are going to be one and done in the playoffs at best, who votes we move the Patriots to the AFC North, kick the Browns out, and make them just play each other the rest of the year and select the conference champ BCS-style?

Pick: Texans

Bears at Raiders (-4.5)

Caleb Hanie is now starting for the Bears.  He is now entrusted with the difficult task of doing three things: 1. Hand the ball off to Forte, 2. Throw a few screen passes to Forte, 3. Get ready to go on the field, and then sit back down again once a game because Devin Hester returned a kick for a touchdown.

Pick: Bears (and to win)

Redskins at Seahawks (-4.5)

The Seahawks are actually set up to go 7-9 again, which has to be disappointing since that won’t win them a division title this year.

Pick: Seahawks

Broncos at Chargers (-6.5)

True story:  The NFL fined Von Miller $25,000 for his hit on Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez last Thursday.  His response: Which one of my four hits on him are we talking about?

Pick: Chargers

Patriots at Eagles (+4.5)

If the Eagles pull this one out, I will break out the old VY Titans jersey and say nothing except “All Vince Young does is win football games!” for an entire day.

Pick: Patriots

Steelers at Chiefs (+10.5)

So this game did not get flexed out of Sunday Night because at the time, the Chiefs were “tied for first in their division”.  Exactly why it should have been flexed out…they are still in the AFC West.

Pick: Steelers

Giants at Saints (-6.5)

Sometimes I think the two New York teams compete with each other for things they really shouldn’t.  “Today, we will lose against a team that we can probably beat.”  “Oh yeah, well WE will lose against a team we can probably beat but do so in heartbreak fashion.”  Then the next week… “You call that heartbreak fashion?  THIS is heartbreak fashion! And, we did it on Prime Time!”  … “Oh yeah, well WE can lose in heartbreak fashion on a bigger Prime Time channel to our division rival who isn’t any good anymore!”  Your move, Jets.

Pick: Saints

Last Week:

Spread: 3-11 (yes... 3-11)

Non-Spread: 9-5

Season:

Spread: 79-81

Non-Spread: 101-59

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NFL Handicapper Week 11

Here is where I predict the upcoming weekend's games, both with and without the spread.  But let's be honest.  This week's big game already happened on Thursday, when Tim Tebow showed the world that he is Christ Almighty.  

As a Broncos fan, I of course cannot get enough. But I am smart about it.  I won't even watch the first 3 quarters anymore.  There's no need.  From now on, I will watch the replay of a LeBron James game for the first three quarters and then switch over to the Broncos during the start of the fourth.  That way everyone looks amazing.

So in the spirit of Tebow, here are this week's picks.

Bills at Dolphins (-2.5)

Ah, Miami, where Tebowmania first began.  Or at least this year.  The Bills and Dolphins seem to be  headed in opposite directions, with the Dolphins winning two straight and the Bills losing two straight.  If they lose this one, I don’t even think Tebow could save them or their season.

Pick: Dolphins

Bengals at Ravens (-7.5)

Baltimore – the city I was living in when the Broncos drafted Tim Tebow.  I remember it because I walked out of the room frustrated and mumbling stuff…which is how I imagine Ravens’ fans must have felt after last week’s game.

Pick: Ravens

Jaguars at Browns (PK)

A few years back, Jacksonville fans (yes, they exist) wore custom-made Tim Tebow, Jacksonville jerseys in the final weeks of their dismal season, showing their support for management to sign local hero, Tim.  This week they shall be rewarded for their effort.

Pick: Jaguars

Cowboys at Redskins (+7.5)

Tony Romo has played exceptional in the beginning of NFL games this season, but quite lackluster in the final minutes.  This is simply not the method our chosen one has showed us to go about doing things.  Perhaps Romo is the anti-Tebow.   Or the devil, even.  But the devil has power, too.  Although he probably wouldn’t need it to defeat the Redskins.

Pick: Cowboys

Panthers at Lions (-7.5)

Caaaaam Newton is back where he belongs: as a heavy underdog against an overrated team so I can pick the points.  Also, he was often compared in college to Tebow!

Pick: Panthers

Bucs at Packers (-14.5)

Awhile back, I said the two games that I could see the Packers losing this year were the Bears game in Week 16, and this tilt this week.  It does not appear as though the latter is likely to happen, but then again it also didn’t appear likely that Tebow would lead the Broncos to victory last week, let alone survive 40 days in the desert.

Pick: Packers

Raiders at Vikings (+1.5)

If the Raiders lose, the Tebows will be tied for first place.  Also, early in the week, the Vikings were favored to win by 1.5, which is a little strange.  Did the oddsmakers not realize that Oakland had 10 days to prepare for Minnesota?  Or, in other terms, 4 more days than their starting quarterback had to prepare before playing in his professional first game this year.

Pick: Raiders

Seahawks at Rams (-2.5)

The Seahawks used to play in the AFC West, but that was a long time ago.  I believe they moved to the NFC in 2002, or Year 9 BT (before Tebow).

Pick: Rams

Cardinals at 49ers (-9.5)

Last week, everyone in the NFC West won.  This week, the four teams play each other, so that will clearly not be the case this week.  But you know what division CAN still have all four teams win? The division Tim Tebow is in, the AFC West.  (Nah, just kidding, all of those teams are terrible.)

Pick: Cardinals

Titans at Falcons (-6.5)

Mike Smith gambled last week (as I wrote here).  The gamble showed that he had absolutely no faith in his defense to stop Drew Brees.  You know who does have faith?  George Michael.   

 ...

You know who else does? This man.

Ok and so does Tim Tebow.

Pick: Falcons

Chargers at Bears (-3.5)

Ah, Philip Rivers vs. Jay Cutler.  These two QB’s know each other well, as Cutler used to lead the Denver Broncos’ offense.  Neither of these fellows are really that likable, as Rivers was once seen on the sideline taunting Cutler on Christmas Eve 2007 (not to mention he seems like a prick).  Meanwhile, Cutler always appears mopey and never looks like he’s having fun, and frequently yells at receivers when they don’t catch his passes, that are usually overthrown, fired into the ground, or unnecessarily fast just to show off his arm.  Clearly neither of these two quarterbacks are anything like Tim Tebow.  Although give credit where it is due, Philip Rivers used to be able to throw the ball but in a clear effort to become more like our chosen one, he has unlearned that technique.

Pick: Bears

Eagles at Giants (-6.5)

Mike Vick will not play this week, so it looks as if Vince Young will get the start.  I used to say back a few years back when Young was a starter “All Vince Young does is win football games”, half because it was true, and half because it was fun to say.  While it would be fun to start it up again with the alteration “All Tim Tebow does is win football games” that is simply untrue.  Tebow also originates missions in third world countries.  So that won’t work.  Thus, the new catchphrase I have come up with is: “All Vince Young does is make stupid comments and thus doom his team’s season before it even starts.”

Pick: Giants

Chiefs at Patriots (-14.5)

Tyler Palko on Monday Night ladies and gents.  We are all about to witness a legend in the making.  Much like we witnessed on Thursday.  God Bless.

Pick: Chiefs (and to win) 

Last week:

Spread: 7-9

Non-Spread: 7-9

Season:

Spread: 76-70

Non-Spread: 92-54

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NFL Handicapper Week 10

Saints at Falcons (PK)

Julio Jones had three catches last week for 131 yards and two touchdowns, and of course, I was going against him in one of my fantasy leagues.  We haven’t seen this much efficiency in Atlanta work against me since the Braves choked away the wildcard to the Cardinals.

Pick: Saints

Bills at Cowboys (-5.5)

Some astute football writer wrote a beautiful piece on the Bills’ loss at home to the Jets.  If they can win this game, that loss won’t mean quite as much, but I think it may have been the beginning of the end of their fairy-tale season.

Pick: Bills

Steelers at Bengals (+3.5)

The Bengals finally get to play the hard part of their schedule. So far, Andy Dalton and the Bengals have a remarkable 6-2 record and haven’t even broken a sweat.  Assuming that, gingers can sweat.

Pick: Steelers

Rams at Browns (-2.5)

We’ll know a lot about the Rams after this game, because if they can lose to the Browns, then they REALLY are going all in for SUCKFORLUCK.

Pick: Browns

Broncos at Chiefs (-3.5)

The Chiefs won four in a row before they lost at home 31-3 to the previously winless Miami Dolphins.  The Broncos, meanwhile, seeing that the Chiefs couldn’t stop the team that made the wildcat famous, will now try their QB option attack on them. 

Pick: Chiefs

Titans at Panthers (-2.5)

I can’t for the life of me figure out the Titans this year, so I’ll focus on the Panthers.  Cam Newton has impressed me in every one of his games, yet somehow only has two wins.  I’m just going to continue the trends.  Cam plays great, but Titans inexplicably have one of their amazing games, and then look bad for the next two weeks.

Pick:  Titans (and to win)

Jaguars at Colts (+2.5)

Colts fans are rumored to now be wearing Luck jerseys to games.  But here’s a fun fact: The Colts actually have the higher rated QB in this game.  Colts get the win, and the SUCKFORLUCK campaign becomes a race again.

Pick: Colts (and to win)

Redskins at Dolphins (-3.5)

There are a ridiculous amount of 3.5 or 2.5 spreads this week.  It’s like Vegas got lazy or something.  Unlike this blog.  I never mail it in….

Pick: Dolphins

Cardinals at Eagles (-13.5)

Wouldn’t it be awkward if Kevin Kolb plays and then plays better than Vick??

Pick: Cardinals

Texans at Bucs (+3.5)

Did you know that the Texans would  be the two seed right now in the AFC?  But do you really think the Steelers, Jets, Patriots, or Ravens are shaking in their boots thinking “Boy I really hope we don’t have to go TO Houston in the playoffs!”

Pick: Texans

Ravens at Seahawks (+7.5)

This is such an obvious trap game for Baltimore that I will assume your football knowledge and familiarity with my philosophies made you already recognize it and thus I won’t have to say anything about it.  That being said, I’m picking the Ravens.

Pick: Ravens

Lions at Bears (-2.5)

You know what was pretty hard to watch? Jay Cutler making pure, crisp, beautiful, clutch throws against the Philly secondary on Monday Night and just thinking, “what if?”

Pick: Bears

Giants at 49ers (-3.5)

I, Adam Romanofsky, am finally officially a believer in Eli Manning and the Giants.  If the 49ers win this game, I will be one of them too.  So, I hope the Giants win, because I don’t know what I’m going to do if I label Eli Manning and a team with Alex Smith as legit in back-to-back weeks.

Pick: Giants (and to win)

Patriots at Jets (-1.5)

A lot of proving is at stake for the Jets.  Last week, the Jets proved they were contenders.  This week, they can prove they are the best in the division.  Next week, they can prove that AFC West teams should not be playing on primetime (even if it is the NFL Network).

Pick: Jets

Vikings at Packers (-13.5)

Everyone is bashing the Packers defense but they are actually doing their job.  They get off the field quickly and give the ball back to Aaron Rodgers so he can continue his ridiculous season.  Of course, half the time their getting burned for touchdowns, but still, the ball is back in Rodgers’ hands quickly, is it not?

Pick: Vikings

Last Week:

Spread: 7-7

Non Spread: 7-7

Season:

Spread: 69-61

Non Spread: 85-44

Thursday: 0-1 (0-1)

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NFL Handicapper Week 9

Falcons at Colts (+7.5)

For some reason I get a “Saints vs. Rams” vibe about this game.  Also, I’m still holding onto Peyton Manning in my family fantasy league just in case he plays, and if he does, I’d have the duo of Brady and Manning in the fantasy playoffs, the two best quarterbacks of the past decade, on the same team. And I'll still lose.

Pick: Colts

Jets at Bills (-1.5)

This is a pretty big game in the AFC East, but I think it’s actually more important for the Bills than the Jets.  The Jets have the talent and experience to come back from being 4-4, but I think if the Bills fall to third place, it could be a little shaky for them to sneak back into the race.

Pick: Jets (and to win)

Browns at Texans (-10.5)

Peyton Hillis has suffered the Madden curse.  He’s still on the Browns.

Pick: Texans

Seahawks at Cowboys (-12.5)

I can’t bring myself to pick a team that looked so bad last week to win by 13 points, even if the other team is quarterbacked by Tavaris Jackson.

Pick: Seahawks

Dolphins at Chiefs (-6.5)

See Colts, take a lesson from the Dolphins.  They are getting better, while still keeping their dream of SUCK FOR LUCK alive.  They pretty much won two games in a row before giving them away to the Broncos and Giants… and the Chiefs are definitely able to accept games handed to them, right Philip Rivers?

Pick: Chiefs

Buccaneers at Saints (-7.5)

By losing to the winless Rams, the Saints have opened the door for the Falcons and Bucs to climb back into the division race.  And if I were the Falcons, I would let the Bucs go through the door first.  Just cause…well…this.

Pick: Saints

49ers at Redskins (+3.5)

3.5? Did the Redskins re-sign…
oh. I had a joke here where I would say oh did the Redskins re-sign (former star quarterback who no longer plays for them) and I didn’t know? But I can’t remember the Redskins ever having a star quarterback. Sooo… Wait I got it. 

3.5? Did the Redskins re-sign Brad Johnson and nobody told me?

Pick: 49ers

Bengals at Titans (-2.5)

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop on the Bengals, and I think it could be this week.  Of course, it’s probably because I still have memories of Albert Haynesworth being on the Titans.

Pick: Titans

Broncos at Raiders (-7.5)

Is there any team more in a catch-22 than Denver? No. There isn’t.  Moving on…

Pick: Raiders

Packers at Chargers (+5.5)

The Packers’ offense reminds me of the great Rams teams of the early 2000’s.  The Packers’ defense reminds me why those Rams only won one Super Bowl.

Pick: Chargers

Rams at Cardinals (-4.5)

Both Sam Bradford and Kevin Kolb should be extra motivated in this game to play for the right to be Andrew Luck’s backup next year.

Pick: Rams (and to win)

Giants at Patriots (-8.5)

The rematch of the only Super Bowl where everybody was rooting for the New York team to win.

Pick: Giants

Ravens at Steelers (-3.5)

The Ravens won big early in the season.  It would be a huge statement if they can win this tilt on the road after playing two subpar games.  If not, these two are destined to meet in the playoffs, just like every year.

Pick: Ravens

Bears at Eagles (-6.5)

Don’t look now, but the Eagles are starting to get their swagger back.  Only to have it taken away painfully in January because they are still from Philly.

Pick: Eagles

Last Week:

Spread: 6-7
Straight Up: 8-5

Season:

Spread: 62-54
Straight Up: 78-37

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