Friday, October 5, 2012

MLB Postseason Preview: How Everybody's Postseason Will End

 



Normally I do a detailed preview of who I think is going to win in the postseason and analyze each team’s strengths and weaknesses and examine what to look forward to in each matchup. But because, as a Phillies fan, I really think baseball kinda sucked this year, I am in a vengeful mood. Thus, not at all maliciously, I will just preview how each team’s season will end. This should be fun, I can’t wait.


Texas Rangers – Normally they dominate the American League in the postseason. Then they get to the World Series and lose to an average at best National League team (that somehow makes it past the top teams in the NL, but enough about that). But I can’t really explain the Orioles’ success this year, so let’s just say they’re average at best too. Needless to say, that spells doom for the Rangers, as they lose in the opening game, despite Yuuuuuuuuuu striking out 13.

Atlanta Braves – Last year they had a historical September collapse and missed the postseason by one game to the St. Louis Cardinals. This year, they can get their revenge by playing them in a one-game playoff. But once again, the Cards get the better of them and win in a close, 2-1 game in extra innings. What’s worse, the game is 1-1 before Craig Kimbrel comes in and gives up a go-ahead rbi-double to David Freese. The pitcher has a slightly better time than last time his team was eliminated. Also, Chipper Jones cries.

Detroit Tigers – Verlander has a strong showing in game 1. Miguel Cabrera hits 3 homers in the first two games.  And Papa Grande closes the door on both save opportunities. Everything looks good. Until rumor starts leaking that Mike Trout is going to win the MVP award. Then Cabrera gets pissed, and he starts hitting the sauce. Suddenly he can’t hit the ocean if he fell out of a boat. Prince Fielder, without his slugging third baseman in front of him, also goes cold (luckily for all of us who don’t like earthquakes, he does not fall out of a boat). They end up losing in round one after being up 2-0 in the series.

Washington NationalsIn a close first round matchup, the Nationals go back and forth and tie the series to make it 2-2. But then on the day of game 5, the equipment manager messes up and prints “Natinals” on the teams jerseys again. These uniforms cause the DC squad to go back to their days of playing like crap (not that that was all that long ago), and they lose in the final game 7-1. When asked what kind of expression he felt best described this loss, Bryce Harper responds “That’s a frown question, bro.” (Sorry)

San Francisco Giants – Posey has a tremendous series, Cain pitches two extraordinary games, Lincecum goes back to the way he used to pitch when he was getting really high instead of just a little high, and the Giants go up 4-2 in a pivotal game 5 in the first round. Then, all of a sudden, it gets really humid. Suddenly, Brian Wilson’s “beard” falls off, and soon the rest of the bullpen’s “beards” fall off as well. Confused, and unable to pitch under normal conditions, the bullpen blows the lead and the Giants lose. Just for good measure, the Reds somehow sign Scott Cousins to freak the sh*t out of Posey all series.

Baltimore Orioles – After making it past the wild-card game, the O’s play the Yankees in the next round. Camden Yards is rocking during the first two games, and the Orioles go up 1-0 in the series. They then take the second game into extra innings, where they have an incredible record and feel confident about the outcome of this game too. But in the 13th inning, Derek Jeter hits a fly ball to right-center and goes over the fence, barely. They take the lead, but the umps review it. On replay, it appears as though it should be called a ground-rule double, but the umps declare it a home-run. The crowd then starts chanting “bullsh*t” in unison so loudly that it can be heard clearly not only on TV, but also outside my window. Talk radio the next morning is filled with crazy people that say the refs screwed us over and that there should have been a flag and Showalter should have challenged the call. They go on to lose the next two games because they are the Orioles.

St. Louis Cardinals – After taking the wild-card game and the first round, many believe that the team that barely made it last year could have another miraculous run in October again. But they are down 3-2 in the series in a crucial Game 6. Game tied at 4, manager Mike Matheny makes a pitching change and asks for Jason Motte. Surprisingly, he actually gets Jason Motte and not Lance Lynn instead. Motte goes on to give up a two-run homer and seal the Redbirds’ fate. Ironically had Lance Lynn come in, he would have retired the batters in order.

Oakland A’s – The A’s march into the ALCS to everyone’s surprise with everyone praising Billy Beane for getting the most out of players like Brandon Moss and Coco Crisp and Jemille Weeks etc. The A’s are tied in the series 2-2 and Game 5 is a slugfest that is going into extra innings, 9-9. As the game carries on, the Fox broadcasters need time to fill, so they start panning around the Oakland stadium looking for famous people. They happen to come across JaMarcus Russell, former Oakland Raider quarterback and number one overall pick, in the first few rows, who has a lot of free time because he got cut from the Oakland Raiders. I can’t stress enough that he was picked with the first overall pick and got cut by the Oakland Raiders. His presence alone causes all Oakland players to start sucking and the A’s lose miserably. I hate the Raiders.

New York Yankees – After making it back to the World Series, the Yankees look like they are ready to reclaim the throne. Of course, getting to the Fall Classic was what Yankees fans expect anyway, especially if you told them before the season that in the AL playoffs you will have to face Baltimore and Oakland. But anyway, they are locked in a close series with the Cincinnati Reds. They are trailing the series 2-1, and were losing game four by one run most of the game. Still down one, top of the eighth with two outs, they are facing the Reds setup man, with the obvious thought of having to get a run off of Aroldis Chapman in the ninth looming. Suddenly, the most unlikely Yankee (let’s say…Eduardo Nunez…I don’t know why) hits a solo home run to tie the game! Now all they need to do is hold on and score some runs in the ninth. But with one out Rafael Soriano gives up a walk to Scott Rolen. For some reason, even though he is old and not that fast, Rolen steals second base during the next at-bat, and because no one is covering third, he KEEPS RUNNING to third base and makes it. Go ahead run is now 90 feet away and then all hell breaks loose and the Reds win 7-4, and the old veteran is praised as a genius. Reds go on to win in six, and somewhere (as if you couldn’t pick up on the similarities by now) Brad Lidge strokes a Cheshire cat in his lap and nods his head approvingly.

Cincinnati Reds –After winning the World Series, the Reds begin to celebrate. When the World Series trophy gets passed around, Aroldis Chapman lifts it up in jubilation. But at that moment, his throwing arm falls off from exhaustion because he is managed by Dusty Baker.