Normally I do a detailed preview of who I think is going to
win in the postseason and analyze each team’s strengths and weaknesses and
examine what to look forward to in each matchup. But because, as a Phillies fan, I
really think baseball kinda sucked this year, I am in a vengeful mood. Thus, not
at all maliciously, I will just preview how each team’s season will end. This
should be fun, I can’t wait.
Texas Rangers – Normally they dominate the American League
in the postseason. Then they get to the World Series and lose to an average at
best National League team (that somehow makes it past the top teams in the NL,
but enough about that). But I can’t really explain the Orioles’ success this
year, so let’s just say they’re average at best too. Needless to say, that
spells doom for the Rangers, as they lose in the opening game, despite
Yuuuuuuuuuu striking out 13.
Atlanta Braves – Last year they had a historical September collapse
and missed the postseason by one game to the St. Louis Cardinals. This year,
they can get their revenge by playing them in a one-game playoff. But once
again, the Cards get the better of them and win in a close, 2-1 game in extra
innings. What’s worse, the game is 1-1 before Craig Kimbrel comes in and gives
up a go-ahead rbi-double to David Freese. The pitcher has a slightly better
time than last time his team was eliminated. Also, Chipper Jones cries.
Detroit Tigers – Verlander has a strong showing in game 1.
Miguel Cabrera hits 3 homers in the first two games. And Papa Grande closes the door on both save
opportunities. Everything looks good. Until rumor starts leaking that Mike
Trout is going to win the MVP award. Then Cabrera gets pissed, and he starts
hitting the sauce. Suddenly he can’t hit the ocean if he fell out of a boat.
Prince Fielder, without his slugging third baseman in front of him, also goes
cold (luckily for all of us who don’t like earthquakes, he does not fall out of
a boat). They end up losing in round one after being up 2-0 in the series.
Washington Nationals – In a close first round matchup, the
Nationals go back and forth and tie the series to make it 2-2. But then on the
day of game 5, the equipment manager messes up and prints “Natinals” on the
teams jerseys again. These uniforms cause the DC squad to go back to their days
of playing like crap (not that that was all that long ago), and they lose in
the final game 7-1. When
asked what kind of expression he felt best described this loss, Bryce Harper
responds “That’s a frown question, bro.” (Sorry)
San Francisco Giants – Posey has a tremendous series, Cain
pitches two extraordinary games, Lincecum goes back to the way he used to pitch
when he was getting really high instead of just a little high, and the Giants
go up 4-2 in a pivotal game 5 in the first round. Then, all of a sudden, it
gets really humid. Suddenly, Brian Wilson’s “beard” falls off, and soon the
rest of the bullpen’s “beards” fall off as well. Confused, and unable to pitch
under normal conditions, the bullpen blows the lead and the Giants lose. Just for good measure, the Reds somehow sign Scott Cousins to freak the sh*t out of Posey all series.
Baltimore Orioles – After making it past the wild-card game,
the O’s play the Yankees in the next round. Camden Yards is rocking during the
first two games, and the Orioles go up 1-0 in the series. They then take the
second game into extra innings, where they have an incredible record and feel
confident about the outcome of this game too. But in the 13th
inning, Derek Jeter hits a fly ball to right-center and goes over the fence,
barely. They take the lead, but the umps review it. On replay, it appears as
though it should be called a ground-rule double, but the umps declare it a
home-run. The crowd then starts chanting “bullsh*t” in unison so loudly that it
can be heard clearly not only on TV, but also outside my window. Talk radio the
next morning is filled with crazy people that say the refs screwed us over and
that there should have been a flag and Showalter should have challenged the
call. They go on to lose the next two games because they are the Orioles.
St. Louis Cardinals – After taking the wild-card game and
the first round, many believe that the team that barely made it last year could
have another miraculous run in October again. But they are down 3-2 in the
series in a crucial Game 6. Game tied at 4, manager Mike Matheny makes a
pitching change and asks for Jason Motte. Surprisingly, he actually gets Jason
Motte and not Lance Lynn instead. Motte goes on to give up a two-run homer and
seal the Redbirds’ fate. Ironically had Lance Lynn come in, he would have
retired the batters in order.
Oakland A’s – The A’s march into the ALCS to everyone’s
surprise with everyone praising Billy Beane for getting the most out of players
like Brandon Moss and Coco Crisp and Jemille Weeks etc. The A’s are tied in the
series 2-2 and Game 5 is a slugfest that is going into extra innings, 9-9. As
the game carries on, the Fox broadcasters need time to fill, so they start
panning around the Oakland stadium looking for famous people. They happen to
come across JaMarcus Russell, former Oakland Raider quarterback and number one
overall pick, in the first few rows, who has a lot of free time because he got
cut from the Oakland Raiders. I can’t stress enough that he was picked with the first overall pick and got cut by the Oakland Raiders. His presence alone
causes all Oakland players to start sucking and the A’s lose miserably. I hate
the Raiders.
New York Yankees – After making it back to the World Series,
the Yankees look like they are ready to reclaim the throne. Of course, getting
to the Fall Classic was what Yankees fans expect anyway, especially if you told
them before the season that in the AL playoffs you will have to face Baltimore
and Oakland. But anyway, they are locked in a close series with the Cincinnati
Reds. They are trailing the series 2-1, and were losing game four by one run
most of the game. Still down one, top of the eighth with two outs, they are
facing the Reds setup man, with the obvious thought of having to get a run off
of Aroldis Chapman in the ninth looming. Suddenly, the most unlikely Yankee
(let’s say…Eduardo Nunez…I don’t know why) hits a solo home run to tie the
game! Now all they need to do is hold on and score some runs in the ninth. But
with one out Rafael Soriano gives up a walk to Scott Rolen. For some reason,
even though he is old and not that fast, Rolen steals second base during the
next at-bat, and because no one is covering third, he KEEPS RUNNING to third
base and makes it. Go ahead run is now 90 feet away and then all hell breaks
loose and the Reds win 7-4, and the old veteran is praised as a genius. Reds go
on to win in six, and somewhere (as if you couldn’t pick up on the similarities
by now) Brad Lidge strokes a Cheshire cat in his lap and nods his head approvingly.
Cincinnati Reds –After winning the World Series, the Reds
begin to celebrate. When the World Series trophy gets passed around, Aroldis
Chapman lifts it up in jubilation. But at that moment, his throwing arm falls
off from exhaustion because he is managed by Dusty Baker.
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