This of course was bittersweet news, hearing that you almost missed your grandmother’s passing when it came out of nowhere, but it seeming that it had a chance to go away.
Then, minutes later, the Phillies were playing in the World Series. My grandmother turned 93 in the summer, but she had the most youthful spirit. I loved going to visit her, not just for her stories, her jokes, or compliments that I completely didn’t deserve, but also because even at her age, I could connect with her as a Phillies fan. She could recognize most of the players, criticize things like Ryan Howard’s strikeouts or Terry Francona’s managerial moves, and every once in a while she would surprise me with her current knowledge (“Adam, how about that triple play!?”). I was about to watch our team in Game 1 of the World Series, sporadically thinking about if this would be the last game I could talk to my grandmom about.
That weekend was Halloween weekend, and the night before, I had tickets to see one of my favorite bands, Pearl Jam, in Philadelphia, and decided to stay home that night so that I could be with my family. I’ve already written about how amazing that concert was, but there was one moment that stood out that made it something I’m truly thankful I got to experience. One of my favorite Pearl Jam songs, “Alive”, (a fairly popular song) contains the chorus “Oh I – heyy I’m still alive” repeated a few times. When performed live, however, Eddie Vedder often changes the last time that it repeats in some form that goes something like “You – you’re all still alive!” or “You, me, we’re all still alive!” before erupting into a guitar melody that is so musically powerful. Well thankfully, they played “Alive” near the end of their set and when Eddie yelled “you’re all still alive!” I closed my eyes and thought of my grandmom. Now, I know my grandmom was not there, or let alone would like that music, but some how some way, I felt like my grandmom and her youthful spirit was standing right there next to me awkwardly swaying along with me, lost in the moment. I knew she would not have much time left, and it was a great experience to be able to be there with her and celebrate in that song that she “was still alive”.
I obviously wanted the Phillies to win for the World Series for many reasons, ranging from complete selfishness to being able to dedicate this one for Phillies beloved broadcaster, Harry Kalas, who had passed away in the beginning of the season (Grandmom Kay was a big fan of his. Well, all of us were.) but now the main reason I wanted them to win was to be able to give my grandmom some bit of good news the next time that I saw her. It turned out that this was not the case.
Grandmom Kay was able to hold on for a long time. She had to stay in the hospital the whole time, and was forced to go back into the ICU. After a while, my mom and her two sisters were forced to make a decision about changing her feeding tubes (her intestines were now not working at all). After they decided to go for the bigger tube, Grandmom was able to hold on for another couple of weeks. She even could still talk and hold conversations with my mom and aunts. But when I asked my mom how she was doing (while beginning to break down), she said that she was handling it well but she was acting like she was afraid to die. I don’t know what it was about this line that made me start to cry. Maybe because I never associated my grandmom with being afraid to do anything. Or maybe because it was the first time I had heard my mom actually talk about Grandmom dying. Either way, I started to tear up alone in my bedroom for a few seconds while on the phone with my mom. Eventually, as I like to think I’m good at, I was able to get past it and lighten the mood a bit for the rest of the conversation, and later in it we were joking about random stuff. I like to think that I get some of my humor from my grandmom.
As I was preparing to clean and head back home I got a phone call again from my mom today saying that last night my grandmom passed away. I knew that it was only a matter of time, and in some kind of strange way, I’m glad that she didn’t have to suffer for too much longer. I’m glad that my mom and her two sisters are able to stop seeing their mom like that. I realize that everyone’s day must come, and I’m happy that she was able to live a long happy life. I feel like (and I’ve said this earlier this year) there have been way too many deaths this year that are tied to and affect people that I’m close with, and here’s to hoping that this is the last one this year.
