Here is where I predict the upcoming weekend's games, both with and without the spread. But let's be honest. This week's big game already happened on Thursday, when Tim Tebow showed the world that he is Christ Almighty.
As a Broncos fan, I of course cannot get enough. But I am smart about it. I won't even watch the first 3 quarters anymore. There's no need. From now on, I will watch the replay of a LeBron James game for the first three quarters and then switch over to the Broncos during the start of the fourth. That way everyone looks amazing.
So in the spirit of Tebow, here are this week's picks.
Bills at Dolphins (-2.5)
Ah, Miami, where Tebowmania first began. Or at least this year. The Bills and Dolphins seem to be headed in opposite directions, with the Dolphins winning two straight and the Bills losing two straight. If they lose this one, I don’t even think Tebow could save them or their season.
Pick: Dolphins
Bengals at Ravens (-7.5)
Baltimore – the city I was living in when the Broncos drafted Tim Tebow. I remember it because I walked out of the room frustrated and mumbling stuff…which is how I imagine Ravens’ fans must have felt after last week’s game.
Pick: Ravens
Jaguars at Browns (PK)
A few years back, Jacksonville fans (yes, they exist) wore custom-made Tim Tebow, Jacksonville jerseys in the final weeks of their dismal season, showing their support for management to sign local hero, Tim. This week they shall be rewarded for their effort.
Pick: Jaguars
Cowboys at Redskins (+7.5)
Tony Romo has played exceptional in the beginning of NFL games this season, but quite lackluster in the final minutes. This is simply not the method our chosen one has showed us to go about doing things. Perhaps Romo is the anti-Tebow. Or the devil, even. But the devil has power, too. Although he probably wouldn’t need it to defeat the Redskins.
Pick: Cowboys
Panthers at Lions (-7.5)
Caaaaam Newton is back where he belongs: as a heavy underdog against an overrated team so I can pick the points. Also, he was often compared in college to Tebow!
Pick: Panthers
Bucs at Packers (-14.5)
Awhile back, I said the two games that I could see the Packers losing this year were the Bears game in Week 16, and this tilt this week. It does not appear as though the latter is likely to happen, but then again it also didn’t appear likely that Tebow would lead the Broncos to victory last week, let alone survive 40 days in the desert.
Pick: Packers
Raiders at Vikings (+1.5)
If the Raiders lose, the Tebows will be tied for first place. Also, early in the week, the Vikings were favored to win by 1.5, which is a little strange. Did the oddsmakers not realize that Oakland had 10 days to prepare for Minnesota? Or, in other terms, 4 more days than their starting quarterback had to prepare before playing in his professional first game this year.
Pick: Raiders
Seahawks at Rams (-2.5)
The Seahawks used to play in the AFC West, but that was a long time ago. I believe they moved to the NFC in 2002, or Year 9 BT (before Tebow).
Pick: Rams
Cardinals at 49ers (-9.5)
Last week, everyone in the NFC West won. This week, the four teams play each other, so that will clearly not be the case this week. But you know what division CAN still have all four teams win? The division Tim Tebow is in, the AFC West. (Nah, just kidding, all of those teams are terrible.)
Pick: Cardinals
Titans at Falcons (-6.5)
Mike Smith gambled last week (as I wrote here). The gamble showed that he had absolutely no faith in his defense to stop Drew Brees. You know who does have faith? George Michael.
...
You know who else does? This man.
Ok and so does Tim Tebow.
Pick: Falcons
Chargers at Bears (-3.5)
Ah, Philip Rivers vs. Jay Cutler. These two QB’s know each other well, as Cutler used to lead the Denver Broncos’ offense. Neither of these fellows are really that likable, as Rivers was once seen on the sideline taunting Cutler on Christmas Eve 2007 (not to mention he seems like a prick). Meanwhile, Cutler always appears mopey and never looks like he’s having fun, and frequently yells at receivers when they don’t catch his passes, that are usually overthrown, fired into the ground, or unnecessarily fast just to show off his arm. Clearly neither of these two quarterbacks are anything like Tim Tebow. Although give credit where it is due, Philip Rivers used to be able to throw the ball but in a clear effort to become more like our chosen one, he has unlearned that technique.
Pick: Bears
Eagles at Giants (-6.5)
Mike Vick will not play this week, so it looks as if Vince Young will get the start. I used to say back a few years back when Young was a starter “All Vince Young does is win football games”, half because it was true, and half because it was fun to say. While it would be fun to start it up again with the alteration “All Tim Tebow does is win football games” that is simply untrue. Tebow also originates missions in third world countries. So that won’t work. Thus, the new catchphrase I have come up with is: “All Vince Young does is make stupid comments and thus doom his team’s season before it even starts.”
Pick: Giants
Chiefs at Patriots (-14.5)
Tyler Palko on Monday Night ladies and gents. We are all about to witness a legend in the making. Much like we witnessed on Thursday. God Bless.
Pick: Chiefs (and to win)
Last week:
Spread: 7-9
Non-Spread: 7-9
Season:
Spread: 76-70
Non-Spread: 92-54
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