4 Things I Learned This Weekend

1.\   1. The Redskins, Lions, Bills, and Titans are all better than I thought.  This might seem pretty obvious, but still, I am a person who admits when he is wrong.  The first three are each 2-0, and most people believed them each to finish last in their divisions.  The Redskins have grinded out two tough games against the Giants and the Cardinals and came out on top in both contests.  They will get their first of the season next week as the travel to face the newly-clutch Romo and the Cowboys.

The Lions are perhaps the most impressive of this bunch, blowing out the Chiefs and getting a big lead in week one before letting the Bucs get somewhat back in the game.  But what impresses me about the Lions is how they are moving the ball with ease, and just as impressively getting defensive stops.  The defense coming to life is a good sign if they want to compete with Packers in the NFC North.

I knew the Bills would be hit or miss on defense (and on Sunday they were quite the miss), but I never expected their offense to be able to bail them out.   Ryan Fitzpatrick has been completely in sync with all of his receivers, especially tight end Scott Chandler.  He took a game that the Bills of Christmas’ Past would not have even had a chance to stay within two touchdowns, and not only made it close, but got the victory.  In every possession the Bills had in the second half on Sunday, they scored a touchdown.

Finally, I didn’t know what to expect from the Titans this year, but I knew the Jaguars would be garbage.  And after the Jags found a way to win in week one against Tennessee, I wrote the Titans off.  Now after their performance against the Ravens in week two, I may have been wrong again.  I am still not saying that the Titans are anything more than an 8-8 team, but do not think that they are the team that you saw (or probably didn’t…and if you’re in the Jacksonville area and didn’t go to the game, I KNOW you didn’t #yourgamewasblackedout) on week one.

2.      2. The Baltimore Ravens had the letdown of all letdowns.  The definition of a letdown is when you come across a trap game on your schedule and you not only don’t play as well as you are capable, but you simply lose. 

Sidenote: the Romo definition of a trap game is quite complex, but there are a few keys to figuring out if your team has a trap game and should be worried about their performance.  The first key in recognizing a trap game is schedule.  Did your team just play a good team? And do they have a good team coming up in two weeks? If the answer to both of these questions is yes, there is a small chance the upcoming game is a trap game.  Now, if the upcoming game is on the road, there is a greater (albeit slightly greater, but still greater) chance of a trap game.  Next, did your team just win that big game against a good team? Oh boy, now the upcoming game is an even bigger possibility of a trap game.  Finally, if this upcoming game is more important for the other team than it is for you, you are very much looking at a trap game.

With all that being said, NY Jets, you are currently on trap game alert! Your next game is against the Oakland Raiders, with the Pittsburgh Steelers lurking after them.  Handle it better than the Ravens did to avoid a letdown.

3.      3. Cam Newton is the rookie of the year, barring injury.  The man has played just two games in the National Football League. It should be entirely too early to give out the hardware yet.  In fact, Newton threw three interceptions in his last game, and has still yet to win a professional football game.

So why is he the rookie of the year?  Well for one, he has thrown for 854 yards already in just two games, which is on pace for an unheard of 6,832 yards. He had his Panthers well in the game against the defending champs before letting the game get away in the second half.  Newton’s second game in the NFL proved that his first was no fluke.

Even if he regresses to the mean, and simply plays average in the next 14 games, he will still throw for over 4,000 yards. That is quite impressive in his rookie season.  Also, there have yet to be too many standout performances from rookies other than Cam, especially at the skill positions.  He could face competition from Andy Dalton, and perhaps later Blaine Gabbert, but Newton already has the edge on them (plus Dalton has to face the Steelers and Ravens a combined 4 more times) making the award almost certain his, barring injury.

4.     4. The Philadelphia Eagles are not THAT good.  I’m not saying this because they lost the game.  I’m saying this because so far this season, I’ve seen them give up a long touchdown run to Steven Jackson, a long run to Michael Turner, have the 30^th ranked run defense, and not only that, their pass defense has looked beatable.  I still think they win the division, but they need to fix the run defense soon or else they will get beat by a team that can run the ball effectively in the playoffs.

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NFL Handicapper Week 2

HANDICAPPER!

Wow last week was hard to predict. It was also definitely not my best week in picking games, but hey, I cannot be expected to do well with this lockout. I looked as rusty as the Miami Dolphins secondary (zing!).

Sunday 1:00 PM

Raiders at Bills (-3.5)

Both teams won their opening game on the road, so props to them.  The Bills got their first win before mid-November this year, and the Raiders broke their entirely too long streak of starting 0-1.  I’m not sure what either team does for an encore…maybe kick 64-yd field goals?

Pick: Bills

Bears at Saints (-7.5)

The Saints took the defending champs to the very last play, but the Bears were even more impressive in completely dominating the NFC South champion Falcons.  I’ve said the NFC South was the best division in the NFC, but they are 0-4 and the NFC North is 3-1 (4-0 against the spread).

Pick: Saints

Browns at Colts (+2.5)

Two teams that did not look good on week 1.  One team lost at home to Andy Dalton and the Bengals, while the other just laid a duck against Houston.  Peyton Manning for MVP!

Pick: Colts (and to win)

Chiefs at Lions (-8.5)

Last week, Kansas City was favored by more than a touchdown.  This week, they are getting 8.5… against the LIONS.  Matthew Stafford and Detroit did look impressive in their win over the Bucs.

Pick: Chiefs (Lions win)

Packers at Panthers (+10.5)

The most impressive individual performance in my mind from week one belonged to Cam Newton.  I know Tom Brady is amazing, I know Sebastian Janikowski can kick really far, and I know that Brian Urlacher is a ball hungry animal.  I did NOT know however that Cam Newton would be able to come right in and gel in the NFL.  I understand it was just the Cardinals, but don’t lie, you had a hunch that Newton would end up in the Jamarcus Russell path.

Pick: Panthers (Packers win)

Ravens at Titans (+5.5)

Most impressive team performance? Baltimore Ravens, hands down.  The way they manhandled their biggest rival in all three phases of the game was remarkable.  Now they get the Titans, who last week must have forgotten they resigned Chris Johnson.

Pick: Ravens

Bucs at Vikings (-3.5)

Donovan McNabb did not have his best game on Sunday.  He did, however, rush for only 7 less yards than he threw. Scrambling QB’s FTW.

Pick: Bucs

Jaguars at Jets (-10.5)

Both these teams are 1-0 thanks to the opposing QB’s that they both faced.  Matt Hasselbeck threw a game clinching pick, and Tony Romo saw that and said “I can do you one better, Matt”.

Pick: Jets

Cardinals at Redskins (-4.5)

The Cardinals defense made Cam Newton look like he was still going against SEC defenses.  After picking apart the Giants defense, Rex Grossman must be licking his chops.

Pick: Redskins

Seahawks at Steelers (-14.5)

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that this is one of the first times that a team that lost by 4 touchdowns the past week is now favored by more than two touchdowns.

Pick: Seahawks (Steelers win)

Sunday 4:05 PM

Cowboys at 49ers (-2.5)

Ted Ginn Jr. returned both a punt and a kickoff for a touchdown in the fourth quarter last week against the Seahawks.  One might say the Seahawks special teams are the Tony Romo of special teams. 

Pick: Cowboys (and to win)

Sunday 4:15 PM

Bengals at Broncos (-5.5)

The Broncos looked really bad on Monday; much worse than the 23-20 final score would indicate.  Many are wondering when the Tim Tebow era is going to begin, and while the whole team looked awful, Kyle Orton was definitely part of it, and needs to play better if he still wants my vote of approval. Which of course is what all players strive for.

Pick: Bengals (and to win)

Texans at Dolphins (+2.5)

The Dolphins defense gave up 517 yards to Tom Brady last week, and now they get the team that put up 34 at the half.  I’m beginning to think that the Texans are going to be better than I originally thought.  Of course, since I haven’t gotten an AFC preview up to compliment MY AWESOME NFC PREVIEW, you don’t know how I felt about the Texans, do you? (evil laugh)

Pick: Texans

Chargers at Patriots (-6.5)

Tom Brady told Patriots fans to “start drinking early” because it’s a 4:00 game.  Confession: I’ve always liked Tom Brady despite my dislike for the Patriots, and it is comments like these that reaffirm his bro status.  Now he goes against the definition of “BRAH” quarterback in Philip Rivers.  This game should be a total brofest, and when it’s done, we’ll all go to the bar, order Jagerbombs and hit on some 7’s.

Pick: Patriots (and to win)

Sunday 8:15 PM

Eagles at Falcons (+2.5)

Mike Vick versus his former team at his former place.  This game is particularly important for the Falcons more so than the Eagles though because no team has ever won the Super Bowl after starting 0-2. And, I’m guessing that’s the goal. So yeah. Numbers.

Pick: Eagles

Monday 8:30 PM

Rams at Giants (-6.5)

Steven Jackson went down against the Eagles and Sam Bradford left but is expected to go on Monday.  It will be interesting to see if the Rams can still win the 8 games needed to win the West without these two guys.

Pick: Giants                

                                        

RECORDS!

Romo

Vs. spread: 6-10

Straight up: 7-9

Liam

Vs. Spread: 6-10 (He took the Cardinals -7 so he should be 5-10-1, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt with my -5.5 line)

Straight up: 7-9

So we both had a horrible start. Oh well.  Let’s call it a mulligan.  I have a feeling we will both do better this week.

(Check out Liam's blog here .. I imagine it sounds something like "waht the faack, broken baat, Scutarooo, gahddaammit")

NFL Handicapper Week 1

HANDICAPPER!

The start of football season is about to begin, and now it is time to channel my third eye, and tell you the magic before it happens… or at least do better than Liam Cronin.

Thurs 8:30 PM

Saints at Packers (-4.5)

I love this first game on Thursday night thing with the Super Bowl champ versus a highly regarded team that the NFL has going on.  However, I think the Saints are more eager to prove that last year was a fluke, and I think the champs start with a surprising 0-1 record.

Pick: Saints (and to win)

Sunday 1:00

Falcons at Bears (+2.5)

Not an easy first test for Jay Cutler, going up against Ray Edwards and John Abraham.  Expect a lot of yelling and not a lot of smiles from everyone’s favorite diabetic QB… oh wait, that happens every game.

Pick: Falcons

Bills at Chiefs (-6.5)

I feel sorry for the Bills, because they are kind of like the Baltimore Orioles.  They know that two teams are going to make the playoffs from their division most likely, but they know it’s still not going to be them. 

Pick: Chiefs

Bengals at Browns (-4.5)

The AFC North is playing within the division on week 1, which means we get a supreme battle between two perennial defensive powerhouses… and this game.

Pick: Browns

Lions at Bucs (-3.5)

Josh Freeman versus Matthew Stafford… The potential both these QB’s have is enormous! The chances that I watch this game however are not.

Pick: Bucs

Titans at Jaguars (-3.5)

The Jaguars are favored by more than the standard 3 that a home team gets? Interesting. So that means Vegas is MORE confident in the team that just let go their starting QB a week before the season starts.  Interesting.  Titans, the oddsmakers clearly think you suck.

Pick: Titans (and to win)

Colts at Texans (-2.5)

Arian Foster loves playing against the Colts, and now since Peyton Manning is out, he won’t be the only person. 

Pick: Texans

Eagles at Rams (+5.5)

Vince Young called the Eagles the Dream Team, which makes sense.  If I were to have a dream team, I’d want Vince Young to not start for it also.

Pick: Eagles

Steelers at Ravens (-2.5)

Ray Lewis said that if they didn’t get a deal done, the crime rate would go up in the world.  Thankfully they did, now everyone can watch this game in peace and hold hands and hug afterwards.

Pick: Steelers (and to win)

Sunday 4:15 PM

Vikings at Chargers (-8.5)

The last time the Vikings and Chargers played, Adrian Peterson set the single game rushing record, Antonio Cromartie returned a 109-yard FG attempt and probably procreated afterward, and both Brad Childress and Norv Turner made questionable coaching decisions. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for round two.

Pick: Vikings (Chargers win)

Giants at Redskins (+3.5)

Sexy Rexy was named the starter! I never really understood why this nickname worked so well, until Rex Ryan came along, and now, yeah, sure, let’s make the other guy named Rex Sexy Rexy.

Pick: Giants

Panthers at Cardinals (-5.5)

This should be an interesting game. On one hand you have a QB who is in a completely new environment, not use to this style of offense, and unsure if he should trust the man in charge…and then you have Kevin Kolb.

Pick: Cardinals

Seahawks at 49ers (-5.5)

Pete Carroll versus Jim Harbaugh.  The settings change, the rivalry doesn’t. 

Pick: Seahawks (and to win)

Sunday 8:15 PM

Cowboys at Jets (-4.5)

If you like fat guys who make outlandish statements… well you must since you’re reading my blog…. But if you REALLY like them, then this is the game for you.  This will be Plaxico Burress’ first game back also, and it comes against a team that he knows well.  Well, I mean, as much as he can having been in jail for the past few years.

Pick: Jets

Monday 7:00 PM

Patriots at Dolphins (+5.5)

The Patriots now have both Vince Wilfork AND Albert Haynesworth, causing many to think they might shift from a 3-4 to a 4-3.  Bill Belichick was very mum on that question, to the surprise of no one.  Also, Chad Ochocinco makes his debut on his new team, and he has been tweeting that his new home is like heaven.  Which is ironic, because Belichick reminds me of the devil.

Pick: Patriots

Monday 10:15 PM

Raiders at Broncos (PK)

I would have to suffer through the entire lockout only to then deal with the fact that my team is the very last team to play in Week 1.  And also, the reason this game was a big deal and selected for MNF was because it was thought to be Tebow’s big debut as a number 1 QB.  Well, so much for that.

Pick: Broncos

NFC Preview

NFC PREVIEW

EAST

1.       Philadelphia Eagles. 

Offense: Quarterback Michael Vick will try to duplicate his impressive 2010 season, and with playmakers like WR DeSean Jackson and RB LeSean McCoy at his side, he may be poised for an even better year.

Defense: Additions Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie and Nnamdi Asomugha give Philly an incredible secondary which was weak last year.  Now they need their linebacking core to step up and a lot of that falls on rookie Casey Matthews.

Player to watch: Brent Celek.  A disappointing 2010 for Celek, but maybe all he needed was time to adjust to Vick vs. McNabb and could be poised for a productive 2011.

Prediction: 11-5

2.       New York Giants.

Offense: Solid O-Line, the return of Domenik Hixon, and the emergence of Hakeem Nicks should make things easier for both Eli Manning and Ahmad Bradshaw. 

Defense: Off the field issues may have made the headlines with Osi Umenyiora, but there is no doubt that he and Justin Tuck will get to opposing QBs during the season with ease. The question is, are they already behind the eight ball with the amount of injuries they’ve had in preseason.

Player to watch: Eli Manning. There’s always pressure to play in NY, but especially when you’re the QB.  If his wideouts stay healthy, there are no excuses to not win their first playoff game since 18-1.

Prediction: 10-6

3.       Dallas Cowboys

Offense: Tony Romo is back and ready to prove that he is an elite QB. I expect big things out of year two of the Dez Bryant project. Offensive line has two rookies in it, but the offense should be solid in Big D.

Defense: Oh boy, another Ryan in a big time football franchise. Pass rush should thrive with their new leader, as they already have the best sack man in the league in DeMarcus Ware.

Player to Watch: Dez Bryant. Has to redevelop his rapport with Romo in order to fit among elite WR’s.

Prediction: 8-8

4.       Washington Redskins

Offense: The offense will be led by Rex Grossman (at least initially).  Sexy Rexy will have Tim Hightower and Ryan Torain in the backfield and Santana Moss and Jabar Gaffney as his wideouts. (Sidenote, when did Washington become the place for former Broncos?)

Defense: The defense was ranked 31^st last year, as should be no surprise to anyone who watched their Monday night game against the Eagles.  That should most likely improve this year.

Player to Watch: Tim Hightower. Grossman has never been a QB to air it out 50 times a game, so that should mean plenty of carries for Hightower.

Prediction: 6-10

North

1.       Green Bay Packers

Offense: This is the safe bet to pick them first even though they actually finished second in the division last year.  Aaron Rodgers gets two new/old weapons back in Ryan Grant and Jermichael Finley who were lost to injury last year.  Perhaps the only weakness is the pass protection; Rodgers doesn’t need a whole lot of time, but their season could change dramatically if he were to obtain an injury.

Defense:  Big men up front, led by B.J Raji, make the job of linebackers led by Clay Matthews and AJ Hawk easier, which in turn set up easier plays for the playmakers, Tramon Williams and Charles Woodson, to make.

Player to Watch:  Jermichael Finley. Dude was a beast two seasons ago and should provide Rodgers with another weapon especially in the red zone.

Prediction: 12-4

2.       Minnesota Vikings

Offense: Adrian Peterson is one of if not the best running backs in the league, and Donovan McNabb is itching to prove that he still has it.  The problem is, he doesn’t, really.

Defense: The front seven is nasty, led by defensive tackle Kevin Williams and defensive end/weirdo Jared Allen.  The secondary will need to play well too, because All Day doesn’t mean too much if they have to play catch-up every game.

Player to Watch: Donovan McNabb.  It seems like every year, wherever he goes, there is pressure on him.  This year is no exception, because the Vikings have players in skill positions that can do work in the playoffs, they just need #5 to take them there.

Prediction: 7-9

3.       Detroit Lions

Offense: Matthew Stafford is everyone’s pick to have a breakout season.  His job will be a little easier with Calvin Johnson to throw to, and Jahvid Best seems to be primed for breakout year too.  They play in a division of good to great defenses however, so this firepower alone may not be enough.

Defense: How can you not like Ndamukong Suh? He, along with veterans Kyle Vanden Bosch and Stephen Tulloch should give them a solid front seven, even if their secondary has major holes.

Player to Watch: Matthew Stafford.  If he can stay healthy, the Lions’ offense should be a force to be reckoned with, plus he doesn’t have to face the world champs until late November.

Prediction: 7-9

4.       Chicago Bears

Offense:  Giving credit where credit is due, Jay Cutler had a much better season last year than two years ago.  However, while Roy Williams is a solid addition, I don’t have much faith in their o-line, thus resulting in Cutler getting sacked plenty of times and making poor decisions plenty of times as well.

Defense: This group has always been amazing when healthy, but the issue is they almost never are.  Since they had a rare healthy year last year, I’m playing the odds and saying they don’t have the same luck this year.  If they do though, watch out, Julius Peppers, Lance Briggs and Brian Urlacher are still some of the best in the game.

Player to Watch: Jay Cutler.  He broke up with that hot famous chick from the Hills (I think), so … maybe that’s… the spark he needs?

Prediction: 5-11

South

1.       New Orleans Saints

Offense: Drew Brees had his career high in interceptions last year, and when good players come off of a year that they do that they usually have a chip on their shoulder…. Or send underwhelming picture messages of their male parts.  Either way, expect an exciting season for the Saints!

Defense: Led by Will Smith and Jonathan Vilma, the front seven is solid as usual, and a veteran secondary should prevent more points than the offense produces.  They just have to… um… tackle.

Player to Watch: Drew Brees.  Itching to prove last year was a down year, look for him to have a year more like ’08 or ’09.

Prediction: 12-4

2.       Atlanta Falcons

Offense: The NFC South never has the same division winner twice, but Atlanta has the talent to repeat as division champs, especially adding rookie Julio Jones alongside other playmaker Roddy White for targets for QB Matt Ryan.

Defense: Ray Edwards (from the Vikings) and John Abraham combined for 21 sacks last year.  While the secondary and linebackers may have some questions, the guys up front should make their job easier by forcing opposing QBs to make poor decisions.

Player to Watch:  Julio Jones.  Atlanta made a gamble in going after the WR out of Alabama, but he is a playmaker and he may just be worth giving up the later picks.

Prediction: 10-6

3.       Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Offense:  Believe the Josh Freeman hype! Also, LaGarrette Blount should get a bulk of the carries, Mike Williams leads an otherwise no-name group of wideouts and they have a tackle whose last name is Trueblood. The Tampa Bay Bucs!

Defense: What a solid young line, led by Gerald McCoy.  If DaQuan Bowers’ injury turns out to not be an issue, what a steal.  And one of the best unknown corners in the league is Aqib Talib, who also rounds out what has to be the team with some of the best names in football. So there’s that.

Player to Watch: Josh Freeman.  Simply put the guy makes plays.  And it’s not like he’s throwing the ball to Harrison and Wayne, he has Mike Williams, Kellen Winslow, and that’s basically it.  Their starting other wideout is either Sammie Stroughter or Arrelious Benn.

Prediction: 7-9

4.       Carolina Panthers

Offense: Cam Newton won the Heismann and now gets the honor of leading the Panthers’ offense.  DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart are still somehow both on the team, so there’s a little weight off Cam’s back.

Defense: The defense was actually a respectable 18^th last year, despite Jon Beason being the only player I’ve heard of.  I guess I should watch the Panthers play more.  Or not.

Player to Watch: Cam Newton.  Simply because, everyone wants to see how #1 picks perform with the big boys.

Prediction: 5-11

West

1.       St. Louis Rams

Offense: There’s no question that Sam Bradford is going to be a star in this league, the question is whether he will be THIS year.  While he probably won’t be yet, he should continue to develop and take his team to the postseason this year in a weak division.

Defense: I like their veteran additions in Justin Bannan and Ben Leber, but can the secondary rise to the occasion?

Player to Watch: Steven Jackson.  The workhorse back still seems to find a way to put up big-time numbers, but will this be the year that he finally shows signs of fatigue?

Prediction: 9-7

2.       Arizona Cardinals

Offense: Kevin Kolb has the daunting task now of “throwing the ball in the general vicinity of Larry Fitzgerald”.  What’s funny is that Matt Leinart somehow made that look hard.

Defense: They have big names, but finished 29^th last year, and will be looking to improve on that.  Rookie Patrick Peterson is eager to prove that he is the next great shutdown corner in the game.

Player to Watch: Kevin Kolb.  Take the helm, Kolb.  You are now the quarterback of a professional football team.  And no, you don’t need to look over your shoulder because there is no Andy Reid to play with your head and bench you.

Prediction: 8-8

3.       Seattle Seahawks

Offense: Marshawn Lynch has to prove the playoff game against the Saints wasn’t a fluke, and Tavaris Jackson, well, has to prove that he isn’t just a punchline.

Defense:  I look at this defense and think, okay, I guess it isn’t that bad, but then I remember that they have to hold teams to less than what a team led by Tavaris Jackson scores.

Player to Watch: Sidney Rice.  Okay, seriously, what does this guy have to do to escape Tavaris Jackson? (See what I did…three segments, three Tavaris Jackson jokes.  #hiremesportspickle)

Prediction: 6-10

4.       San Francsico 49ers

Offense: Jim Harbaugh could indeed turn this team around, but he needs more than one year if he is going to do it with Alex Smith.  The Inconvenient Truth is as solid as RB’s come and I am interested to see how Michael Crabtree and Braylon Edwards work as a team of wideouts.

Defense: The best in the division, although that doesn’t a. say much or b. mean much.  Patrick Willis is a beast.

Player to Watch: Vernon Davis.  Once written as a bust, this guy has proven to be anything but.  Was the team’s leading receiver last year, and figures to be a good candidate this year too.

Prediction: 5-11

Newborn

I hope everyone is having a great Labor Day. I do not mean to blow your mind while you are celebrating your day off from a job that you have and that I don’t, BUT… the best blog in the world* has now been REVAMPED! 

Yes, what was once “F My Blog” is now “The Romote Control”. You may be asking, how will this be any different from your old blog, Adam? Well, other than the super cool new black background…it really won’t be. BUT all the content will actually now be worth reading, as opposed to the 25:75 ratio that we had on the old site.  

Also, the posts will primarily focus on sports now (occasionally some other crap might get mixed in, but if so, just smile at it and hopefully it will go away). So, I’m sorry if you were hoping for a post of the top 10 things I hate about Jersey Shore, or ranking my favorite adult actresses, but unfortunately I will not be lowering myself to such writing standards.  Unless this fails, and I do just that. 

So get excited people, I literally have nothing else to do but write some killer blog posts.  Not even being weighed down by dysfunctional pizza parlor any more. Just me, you, and whatever controlled substance you have to be on to still be reading this far.  

Cheers

*we meant this one…no seriously, this one.

Romo Reports Vol. 1

I like to read THEONION and Sportspickle from time to time. And since it doesn't appear that I am going to be writing for them or any other publication any time soon, I thought, screw it, I'm just going to write on the one place that will always welcome my journalistic talents, F MY BLOG. Of course, that's probably only because I created this site. Otherwise, I would never allow such sh*tty content.

But hey, nonetheless, here is some 100% true articles for you to pass the time, in a segment I'm calling "Romo Reports". Hope you enjoy. PS, National League > American League.






Delaware man notches sh*t number 3000

In an impressive feat, John Washington from Dover, Delaware, took his 3000th sh*t at approximately 3 p.m. this past Saturday. Washington, 37, received a standing ovation from the family party he was at as he completed his business.

In typical Washington fashion, his 3000th was the big kind: a two-flush, Indian-food induced diarrhea.

“That’s just like John, man,” Barry Thomas, Washington’s best friend, said. “He’s been doing this for so long and so often, that you almost assume he’s going to make his big moments count.”

Washington would make the whole rest of the day count, too. He finished the night off with 5 sh*ts on the day, with his final one clogging the downstairs toilet for good.

“I woke up and was feeling good,” Washington said. “I thought there was a very good chance that today could be the day.”

Washington got career sh*t number 2999 on Saturday morning shortly after his wake-up coffee and then joined the 3000 club after his next trip to the bathroom. After the night was done, he would have 3004 to his illustrious career. Washington, at age 37, is fourth youngest on the all-time list to reach 3000 sh*ts.



Report: Every Song on radio now features Akon, Lil Wayne, or T-Pain

According to multiple sources, every song currently in rotation on terrestrial radio features at least some contribution from hip-hop artists Akon, Lil Wayne, or T-Pain. Songs that do not feature a verse from any of those rappers, will reportedly be supplemented with one before they are to be back on the air.

Some new singles to check out this week include:

Coldplay – Every Teardrop is a Waterfall in This Club – feat Usher, T-Pain, and Eminem

Adele – Rolling in the Deep on a Boat – feat Akon

Lady Gaga – The 6 Foot, 7 Foot Edge of Glory – feat Lil Wayne

Mumford & Sons – Buy U A White Blank Drank – feat T-Pain

Fleet Foxes – A Milli N 1 Helplessness F*ckin Blues – feat Lil Wayne